24/07/2024 by Therapy For You

Losing a loved one: Practical advice for coping with loss and grief

The death of a loved one can be one of the hardest experiences you can ever face.

You may feel inconsolably upset and lost. You may feel angry, resentful or guilty. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one – it’s a process that’s completely unique to you and your relationship with the person who has died.

But if you are struggling with the pain of grief and loss, there are practical steps you can take to ease this transition and find your path to healing, at a pace that suits you.

Below, we help you understand the grieving process better and share constructive ways to lessen grief’s impact on your life.

What is grief?

Grief is our natural reaction to a loss – it’s the process of learning to let go and accepting life without your friend or family member by your side.

It cannot be fixed, cured or forced away. The grieving process takes time as we learn to come to terms with someone’s passing and adapt to life without them.

Grief is a highly personal experience. How you respond to a loved one’s death may be entirely different to another person’s. It is a complex and multilayered process that can impact you physically, emotionally and socially.

It’s also important to emphasise that the purpose of grief is not to forget about your loved one or change how you feel about them. It’s about learning how to carry on.

What is complicated grief?

Complicated grief is a prolonged, intense type of grief that can make it much harder to adapt to the loss of a loved one.

Someone with complicated grief may refuse to accept the person is gone, blame themselves for the person’s death, or question whether they are grieving the right way.

Approximately 10% of people experience complicated grief following the death of a loved one. In these circumstances, it’s advisable to speak to your local mental health service about whether bereavement and loss therapy could help you overcome your feelings of grief.

The 5 stages of grief

Grief is commonly referred to as having 5 stages:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

It’s important to note that the stages of grief are not linear. You can move back and forth between these emotional states, and experience them in any order.

What does grief feel like?

There is no definitive answer to what grief feels like – it varies from person to person.

You may feel numb or as though there’s a void in your life that cannot be filled. You might feel guilty that you did not spend more time with the person while they were alive, or consider their death an injustice. You may feel nothing or significantly less than you anticipated.

Common emotional responses to grief include:

Sadness or depressive feelings
Shock or disbelief
Confusion
Anxiety, fear or panic
Anger
Feeling overwhelmed or helpless
Survivor’s guilt
Relief

Grief also can cause a range of physical symptoms, including (but not limited to):

Emptiness in your stomach
Tightness in your chest
Breathing difficulties or hyperventilating
Feeling weak or lethargic
Dehydration
Change in appetite
Sleeping difficulties
Aches and pains
Memory loss or brain fog

You may have experienced all, some or none of the above symptoms. The important thing to remember is that there is no wrong way to experience grief – you are allowed to feel however you need to process this significant change in your life.

How long does grief last?

Like the previous question, the answer will be unique to you. There is no time limit to coping with grief – you may start to feel better in a matter of days or weeks, or you may take months or even years to fully come to terms with what happened.

Don’t put pressure on yourself if you feel it’s taking “too long” to overcome your grief. Equally, don’t feel guilty when the time comes that you don’t think about the person as often as you used to – this is a natural part of healing.

Finally, grief does not turn on and off like a tap. Intense thoughts and feelings may resurface on birthdays and anniversaries, or for no clear reason. Your grief may never go away entirely, so knowing how to lessen its impact can benefit your long-term wellbeing.

11 effective ways of dealing with loss and grief

Now you have a stronger sense of grief and its influence, here are some helpful suggestions to support you through this difficult process.

1. Don’t fight your feelings

First, don’t be afraid to feel your emotions, both positive and negative. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you want to be left alone, then take time for yourself.

Bottling up or suppressing your emotions can often have negative consequences on your stress levels, anxiety and physical health. Embracing your feelings during grief, rather than fighting them, can lead to healthier emotional, psychological and relational outcomes.

2. Focus on your self care basics

Simple self care behaviours can restore your energy and reduce the physical impact of your grieving process. This could include:

Getting regular sleep
Eating a balanced diet
Staying hydrated
Going for a walk
Taking a bath

If you need help prioritising self care during this challenging time, creating a checklist of activities can keep you focused on yourself and your needs.

3. Take care of your responsibilities early

The loss of a loved one can put a lot of burden on your shoulders at a challenging time: funeral planning, dealing with a will, informing people of their death and more.

The sooner you can resolve these necessary tasks, the quicker you can give yourself the time and space to properly grieve their passing.

If you are struggling with your responsibilities, try enlisting the help of friends and family to ease your stress.

4. Express your feelings creatively

Whether your loved one’s death has left you feeling sad, angry, guilty or any other emotion, creatively channelling these into a piece of writing or artwork can be a positive way to express your feelings and turn them into something positive.

For example, you could keep a journal to log your thoughts and feelings in the days, weeks and months following your loss, or create a garden in the person’s honour.

5. Celebrate your loved one’s memory

Establishing traditions and keepsakes to memorialise your loved one can be a wonderful way to help with the grieving process. It allows you to stay connected with the person when they are gone, and can even create new positive memories.

Some ideas you can try to commemorate your loved one include:

6. Plan for your grief triggers

Over time, you may notice that certain places, objects or events trigger extreme feelings of grief. This could be looking at a certain photo of you together, or visiting a restaurant that you had visited often before their death.

Planning for these triggers, such as making sure you’re with someone you trust or having a box of tissues on standby, can prepare you for any emotional fallout and gradually enable you to manage these scenarios.

7. Practise mindfulness and coping techniques

Relaxation techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, deep breathing exercises and yoga can help you reduce stress, improve emotional regulation, and provide a sense of calm as you grieve.

If you would like to know more, check out our beginner’s guide to practising mindfulness.

8. Reach out to your family and friends

Leaning on your support network during your grief, especially with others who are coping with the loss of your loved one, can lift a massive weight from your shoulders.

A problem shared is often a problem halved, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help from family members and close friends if you need someone to talk to.

9. Look for bereavement support groups

If you feel uncomfortable speaking to people you’re close to or don’t want to burden them with your problems, a bereavement support group can allow you to express yourself with people in a similar frame of mind and work on healing together.

These support groups can also give you access to resources to address your loss in practical, manageable ways, helping you navigate the grieving process with greater reassurance.

10. Speak to a counsellor or a therapist

If the pain of your grief has snowballed into complicated grief, it may be beneficial to talk to a dedicated therapist or counsellor. Working with a trained specialist can help you:

Express your feelings without judgement
Get to the root of your grief and complex emotions
Find guidance across the grieving process
Learn practical, lifelong coping strategies
Remember your loved one in a positive way

11. Take one day at a time

Finally, approach grief at your own pace. Whether you prefer to keep your mind occupied with different activities or slow things down to properly process your emotions, do whatever works best for you from one day to the next.

Find professional support for complicated grief at Therapy For You

We hope this article has helped you better understand your grief and provided some welcome guidance to manage your feelings in a healthier, more practical way.

Dealing with a loss is never straightforward – for many, it’s the hardest thing they will ever go through. If you have been struggling to cope with grief for several months or longer, we are here to help you find a path to feeling better.

Therapy For You is the NHS Talking Therapies service for North East and South East Essex. With the help of our highly trained, empathetic therapists and accessible pathways to treatment, we can help you recognise your feelings and develop effective techniques for coping with loss.

For more about Therapy For You and our treatment options for bereavement, grief and loss, get in touch with our helpful team today.

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